October 2025
On messes, venting, portraits, and other good things.
On the mess in the middle
This month my head has been all over the place— is anyone else feeling this? I’m feeling so many conflicting things all at the same time. I feel good and bad, tired and energized, anxious and calm, truly all of the things. Because of this it’s been SO hard to wrap up this month’s essay. I can’t tell you how many times I scrapped this thing and started from scratch.
Whenever I write these, I try (try!) to create something that is hyper specific to me and what I’m going through while also being relevant to others and in sync with the seasons or whatever else is going on energetically in the world. I try to point something out that I’m noticing or experiencing that I think might be touching on something that others are experiencing too. Usually topics come fairly easily— I just listen closely, pay attention, and something comes up for me that it turns out is coming up for others too. (It’s actually amazing how the world works like that, right? Please do send me any and all of your thoughts on the collective unconscious, we need to do more grassroots research on this stat) Once I have an idea of a theme there is always a period of working and re-working the idea with lots of edits, but the initial spark often drives the piece.
This month, though, nothing seems clear enough to put into words. Each thought that starts to formulate in my mind becomes murky once I put it on paper or ends up making a statement that is too strong or not strong enough. A few times I’ve almost just hit send anyway, but I just couldn’t do it— I know my sweet little newsletter isn’t a big deal but even if I were the only one reading it, I like to keep a clear record of the thoughts I’ve had each month and to add something to the archive that doesn’t feel right just… doesn’t feel right.
As I’ve written and deleted, critiqued and revised, lots of thoughts have come up about what it is that I’m doing here. When I sent out a survey a while back about what ya’ll are looking for from this email, most of you said you’re just curious about what I’m up to. When it comes down to it, I think that’s all I’m trying to accomplish here too: to keep a monthly record of my little life, of the things I’m thinking and enjoying and hopefully to spread some of those good things along to you too. Some months (including this one) I just want to phone it in a bit and not write anything at all, but I find that each time I push myself to keep going I get a bit more clarity.
This month, I think the clarity I’m gaining is simply that sometimes things are not clear. Sometimes I don’t have a lovely concise little essay with a poignant theme to sum up what I’m feeling in that moment. Sometimes thoughts are blurred, many things are true at once, and it takes more than a month to work them all out.
As I write this, I keep finding myself wanting to explain away my lack of clarity. Something in me wants even this essay that is about mess to be neat and tidy and is so worried about saying something that is too trite or obvious. This struggle with sharing the authentic messy part that is essential to the creative process is the same experience I’ve had while attempting to post more in-progress work on social media. The middle of creating (at least for me) is often just so unclear and filled with emotion that I simply can not bring myself to share it, as “authentic” as it might be. I hate the perfection of social media, but at the same time there is something so personal about the bits in the middle that doesn’t seem right to share on the internet.
But here I am, sharing this record from the spot in the middle, because I think especially in this age of speed and productivity and AI creating just about everything for us the messy bit in the middle is more important than ever. Without the muck and conflicting thoughts and half-baked arguments, nothing truly new or different or exciting will come. It’s easier than ever to sit back and let most everything happen for us these days and easier still to be overwhelmed by speed and progress and bad news and just let it wash over us while we veg on the couch rather than bring some new thought or creation into the mix. It might not be super cute and polished and the message might not be clear at first, but going through the mess in the middle is the only way we’ll get to something great on the other side.
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Some Little Pictures: Richard Mayhew Edition
Recently I realized that for years I’ve been falling in love with the art of Richard Mayhew without having any idea who he was. I had taken photos of his work during multiple museum visits and had pinned many of his paintings to my Pinterest boards but had somehow never put together that all of these works were by the same person. Now that I’ve put it all together I’m obsessed— I hope these pics cause you to be obsessed too!
(from top left to bottom right)
Overture, 2001
Gorge, 1966
Nyack, 1975
Delusions, 2000
Blue Retreat, 1997
Pamela’s Aura, 2004
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Recent Work: On Venting
This is a topic that has been coming up a lot at the therapy clinic I work at so I thought I’d do a bit of research and finally get to the bottom of the age old question: when is venting helpful and when is it actually creating a doom spiral that sucks not only us but everyone we open up to into it?? It was really helpful for me to do this deep dive and to remember that the point of venting (and really therapy in general) is to gain a new perspective and engage in change/growth, not just to talk about problems forever.
Thoughts? The comments section is open!
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Image above: a portrait I painted recently based on a photo of my friend Mallory.
Future Work: Call for Portrait reference photos!
I’ve been wanting to do more portraits lately but have horrible reference photos. If you’d like your portrait painted, please send me a photo! I can’t guarantee that the result will actually look like you though so submit at your own risk 😎 If you do want to send me a photo, I’m especially looking for head-on non-posed photos but am really open to anything. Send photos to gill.dreher@gmail.com or leave them here!
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Some Other Good Things
Finally reading The Secret History by Donna Tartt after seeing it in like every used book section for the past 20 years and turns out it’s good! A fun little end of summer dark academia romp.
Just heard about the Wisephone II — what do we think people? Not having access to email but still having access to whatsapp and camera and maps and all that seems like a pretty good idea… or maybe I can just have more self control with my phone? Please send your thoughts, my iPhone 12 mini is on it’s way out of this world and I need an answer
This month I made Small Museum’s Frankie Jacket and I am simply obsessed. It might be the perfect transitional season jacket?? I lined mine with some nice wool remnants I had for extra warmth and I may never take it off again!
image above: the frankie jacket in a blue plaid cotton Meal prepping lunches. I only have to work in-office 3 days a week but those 3 lunches have consistently been a struggle! Recently though I’ve been meal prepping all of my lunches for the week at once and I feel like the picture of health. This week I did lil roasted veggie bowls on farro and last week it was a veggie-filled miso soup with tofu. It’s the little things like this that really make me feel like I’ve figured something out (we’ll see how long this lasts).
My cute little tiny mug that is perfect for this day but also for always. Happy Halloween!
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Thanks for reading – see you next month!
It's also possible that words can't encapsulate whatever moment we happen to be in. Like an unruly desk with items spilling over into piles. Tidiness is not available or appropriate to it. It's shambolic and chaotic but it's true in a way a tidy organized sentence and paragraph and essay can be.