September 2024
Reflecting, researching, some little pics, and more.
Image above: a blurry landscape experiment
On Going Back
In 2019, I knew something had to change. Feelings of restlessness and discontent had been growing in me for years and I was very much not feeling it anymore working as a product designer at a big tech company. I was experiencing that soul sucking blend of not being creatively challenged at work while somehow still feeling too drained and uninspired to do much at all artistically in my free time. After years of mulling over potential pivots (teacher, full time artist, retail shop owner, bartender to the rich and famous, etc) I decided to go for it and attempt to become an art therapist. Although I was not at all certain this was the right move, I told myself that it really wasn’t a big deal because I would still continue to work my day job and would never lose my current skillset. No matter how far I went down this new path, I could always change my mind and go back.
Since I took that first step, about once every few months I experience a phase (I call these phases *ﾟspirals*ﾟ) where I’m convinced that I’ve made a huge mistake and should quit and return to my old life. These spirals usually lasts 3-5 days and consists of identifying all the reasons this new path is wrong for me, researching jobs in my previous field, and sometimes even beginning the interview process for a new role before remembering the reasons I changed course in the first place and returning to my current path with a renewed sense of purpose. When these spirals first started happening, my change of heart would catch me by surprise and feel like an important realization. These days, the cycle feels predictable and familiar. As unsurprised as I am when it arrives, though, I still find myself wondering each time if the path I’m on is right for me.
Two weeks ago, I spiraled again. It wasn’t until the middle of an interview with an unsuspecting recruiter at a mental health tech company that a new realization hit me:
I can never go back. And more importantly, I don’t want to go back.
I don’t mean that I can’t get another job in my previous field, but rather that regardless of my job, I will never be to the person I was before.
In taking a closer look at the triggers for these phases, I noticed that at the core of each spiral was a feeling of financial insecurity— a core part of myself was telling me that because my new field paid less, it was worse for me. What hit me the other day seems so obvious now: this part of me that worries so much about money had been so loud and anxious that it overshadowed all the other value that my new path brings (sense of purpose, creative inspiration, feelings of expansive growth, etc). Because I considered salary to be the singular marker of value and success, this anxious part of me worried loudly about the risk I was taking and took comfort in remembering that I could always go back to my old higher-paying job. This part of me held on to my old career like a safety net, but really that net was holding me back from fully committing to the present. In the midst of that interview I realized that without me even noticing, my values had shifted and that financially anxious part of myself had quieted down, making space for me to notice all the other important aspects of how I spend my working days.
These spirals of regret and reaching for the past may actually be necessary periods of grieving my old life and values. With each new spiral, my grief shifts further into a mix of nostalgia, acceptance, and excitement for how my past experience can support my future self. Although many aspects of my life now are much more difficult, if I could do these 5 years over I would make the same decisions. Though I may not have as much money or free time and have experienced pain and stress that I didn’t know were possible, I feel much more alive and authentic than ever.
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OK that was a bit of a ramble and clearly I’m still processing a lot but TL:DR: If you are experiencing feelings of uncertainty about making changes like I have, it could be helpful to explore your values and take note on whether you are living in congruence with them or not. Obvi this won’t solve all your problems but might give you some good insights and help you feel more confident in your choices! Try fav values assessment: https://personalvalu.es/ (I should be getting sponsored for how much I share this site!)
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Some Little Pictures:
(from top left to bottom right)
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September Playlist
Lately I’ve just been sharing my raw monthly playlists in which I simply add songs I like as I hear them throughout the month and while I was initially disappointed in myself for being “lazy” with these (not always creating artwork for them, not following fun themes), I’ve found that following this loose format has resulted in playlists that I enjoy more and serve more as time capsules for that month.
How do you like to make playlists? Do you just collect songs as you go, create themed journeys, or both?
Anyways, here’s mine for this month if you’d like to listen!
Image above: my latest research on energy fields
Recent Work: Research
I’ve always been interested in scientific research, especially when it comes to research about things that we don’t yet know the answers to (which, as I get older, I realize is most things!). Recently I’ve started to reframe my image making process as “research”— using visual tools and techniques to explore ideas that I read and wonder about. This new way of looking at the process has felt really exciting and freeing to me. I’m excited to see where my research takes me!
*UPDATE* After writing this little bit earlier in the month, I began listening to the Otherworld series on The Gateway Tapes and am now even more inspired to do artistic research! Highly recommend giving this episode a listen if you haven’t already— it’s an interview with a sound artist about binaural beats (among other things). PLEASE let me know if you have listened to the Gateway Tapes and/or have astral projected.
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Some Other Good Things
Listen I know I’m not supposed to be using spotify anymore because bad for artists but also I still haven’t found a better alternative so here I am and in the meantime: I really love having access to all these audiobooks! I know some people are saying Spotify did an illegal thing by including these to justify a sneaky price hike but maybe I’m the one person who is stoked to not have to keep waiting in Libby lines and doing free Audible trials anymore. Just finished listening to All Fours (thoroughly enjoyed Miranda July in her own voice) and now on to Yellowface (also loving this so far!). I will say, if you’re listening Spotify: 15 hours a month is simply not enough. Please do let me know if you have any other audiobook platform recs!
Fall is here!! This fall I’m hoping to visit an apple orchard and also am embracing “dates” as a fun cozy fall flavor (the food but also the activity honestly!). Am I always this here for fall?? Honestly probably but especially here for it this year!
You know what else fall means? Candle season!! Sorry to be that person but I do just love a crackling wooden wick and a soft natural scent. My fav local brand is still Among The Flowers but please let me know if you have any great natural candle recs
Honestly feeling p flattered that someone on Etsy decided to make a boring beige version of my “vote love” poster. I think this is fine but also will take this opportunity to provide another reminder to always support independent artists and to be wary of shops on Etsy/RedBubble/etc (as well as stores like Zara/H&M/Shein) that showcase a wide range of styles for cheap— those images likely stolen from other artists🌞 Seeing this also caused a lot of reflection for me on what my art is/is not— a p fun exercise
If anyone else started watching the Uzumaki anime on HBO I hope my excessive use of the word “spiral” isn’t too triggering! I promise that was not intentional and I wrote that essay before episode 1 came out so you can be sure I didn’t catch the spiral virus from that show. (I do recommend it if you have a strong stomach!)
Ok also: THE SUBSTANCE. Movie of the year. Can not recommend enough. Will not say anything else because I think it’s best to go in blind like I did.
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Thanks for reading – see you next month!
Thank you for sharing, I’m going through a similar experience and your writing made me feel so seen for the first time in a year 😭
I went in blind for The Substance & was blown away by the experience!! Horror movie of the year! (tho I might holdout for Nosferatu in December to say that officially, haha)